images.jpgOk, after a string of ‘what am I doing so wrong’ meetings and partings, here are the

Official Rules for Dating Me.

    1. Do not be too nice. Nice is boring. You’re boring me already.
    2. Appreciate, but not necessarily impersonate my high-brow and mature sense of humour. Which I totally did not steal from anyone.
    3. Be slightly hotter than myself at all times, but not so hot that I would get pushed out of the hypothetical bed during a hypothetical threesome.
    4. Don’t be too available. I don’t need to be with you every minute of every day. Unless I do, in which case, be available.
    5. Don’t already be seeing someone, recently getting over someone or have been desperate seeking someone (unless its Susan) for your whole life.
    6. Get and appreciate the hilarious relevance of every pop culture reference I make, particularly to occurrences in the following TV shows and/or movies; The Simpson’s, Family Guy and Showgirls.
    7. At least don’t hate the following artists: Madonna, Dido, Annie Lennox, U2, Sarah McLachlan, Britney. You’ll be hearing them a lot.
    8. Don’t be too passive about life, but at the same time, I’m not looking for my own personal Cruise Ship Activities Director.
    9. Know when, and have the testicular-fortitude, to stand up to me when I am acting like a Twat.
    10. Know when to STFU.

 Whilst these are not necessarily in order, they are necessarily the reason I will oneday be a lonely old man, but hopefully with enough money not to care. Now go clean my pool. Yes in those shorts.