…at least according to the “dirty-dozen list of everyday asshole actions” anyway:

  1. Personal insults
  2. Invading one’s personal territory
  3. Uninvited personal contact
  4. Threats and intimidation, both verbal and non-verbal
  5. Sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems
  6. Withering email flames
  7. Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
  8. Public shaming or status degradation rituals
  9. Rude interruptions
  10. Two-faced attacks
  11. Dirty looks
  12. Treating people as if they are invisible

Since when are these bad things?! I score at least 10 out of 12, sometimes before breakfast.

Thankfully though I don’t score so high on the Starbucks Asshole Test. My standard order (when in a country civilised enough to HAVE a Starbucks store - ie. not Holland) is a Short Double Non-fat Latte. It’s the closest thing to ‘regular’ (ie. Melbourne) coffee I’ve found and can be ordered using about 18 fewer words than the example given in the S.A.T.

Actually, when I order this coffee though, the Starbucks coffee slave usually looks at me like I’m from another galaxy and says “Um, well, I’ll have to charge you for a Grande” to which I reply “Fine, whatever”. My nonchalant care-free disregard towards the sum of 40c throws them further off balance; being prepared to pay more money for less coffee, just does not compute.

To add to the effect, I often roll a cigarette using a $1000 bill or throw my fur coat, whitney-style, into the nearest body of water while I’m waiting for the milk to froth.

Aaahh…. it’s fun to be obnoxious.