r v l . c o m

Well, here it is. Twenty years have passed since I wached my little brother die.

What a horrific, tragic sentance that is. But I can’t pretend it didn’t happen and the fact that it was twenty years ago, not twenty days ago as it still feels, doesn’t make it any easier.

He was a a beautiful, talented, funny and sensitive person. In many ways, he was my other half. I think I will always feel as if something is missing because he has gone.

But right now I have to keep it together and not let his death be my only memory of him. I also have to ‘re-purpose’ this day, which traditionally makes me disappear into my own head and sea of depression year after year.

Already this week I have had a fight with my manager and generally not been a very nice person. Yesterday I forgot to get off the lift once it reached the 9th floor of the hospital and didnt realise untill it went back to ground.

So. What to do.

I have spoken to most of my close friends and family about making today about something else, something positive, or at least heading in that general directions. Therefore I have decided to start whatI hope will oneday be a research scholarship for students studying childhood cancers.

Today I have faxed the papers to the bank to start an account that will eventually, hopefully have sufficient funds to be an annual, ongoing scholarship (or top-up scholarship) in Justin’s name. I will probably have it managed by Melbourne Scholarships Office, similar to these ones which were available when I was a student there.

Its only a small thing I know, but its the only thing I can think of that I can do today. Maybe it will never reach an amount where it becomes a full scholarship, but maybe it will. From what I have seen, the only way to tackle disease is to thow money and clever people at the problem. So this is what I will try to do. Its also a way, for me at least, to remember and acknowlege what happened, whilst contributing to the medical and scientific effort to make sure it doesn’t happen to others.

I have no idea about the logistics of such an endeavour, but for the moment I have at least started an account with some of my own money (I didnt really need that 2nd Armani jacket anyway) so we’ll just see where it goes from here.